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Tag Archives: Depression

Trying to Stay Up!

01 Saturday Oct 2016

Posted by Tim Hughes Living with CML in Cancer, Depression, Leukemia, Photography, Weight Loss

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Breathing, Cardiologist, CML, Depression, Doctor's, Drone, Employer, Lung, Medical, Photography, Stess

 

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Pleasant Grove High School

This blog was supposed to be able to help others that are going through the same stuff I am such as CML, Diabetes and being over weight, deal with life’s up’s and downs.  However, all I seem to be doing is bringing myself down.  How can I be helping others if I can’t seem to help myself.  I keep telling myself that once I get my health back on track I’ll be able to use  this experience to help others if and when they go through something similar.

First things first.  I’m still dealing with my labored breathing.  I think the last time I posted that I was going to see my cardiologist.  Well I did and he scheduled a echo cardiogram of my heart.  Really!  The problem is not my heart but fluid retention in  my lungs.  Anyway, had the test done and after a few days I got a call stating that all was fine.  Then he scheduled a CT scan of my lungs this past Thursday, nothing heard as of yet.  I have an appointment with my GP on Tuesday and my pulmonary on Wednesday.  Keep in mind that every time I have to take off to go to the doctor I have to work over to make up for the time lost.  I’m so sick and tired of having to stay late it’s about to drive me nuts.  Of course, that’s another story.

In the mean time…my employer is stressing me out.  I’m not exactly sure what I’ve posted about this but my boss has noticed some memory problems going on with me.  I, of course have denied all of it but it turns out that I am having some memory issues.  They’ve run a bunch of tests including some neurological tests that are not covered by my insurance company.  I’ll be paying for these tests for years to come.  But it seems that I’m having some short term memory loss.  The neuro psychologist  has even diagnosed me with amnesia.  Seriously??  Now my employer is wanting to demote me to a lower pay grade because I can’t do my previous job because of some safety issues.  If it wasn’t for the money issues I wouldn’t mind doing the job I’m doing now because it’s a whole lot less stressful.  As of yet the doctors have not determined why I’m having these memory issues.  They’ve done a MRI of my head and of course they didn’t find anything up there. (Pun) and they’ve pretty much ruled out my medications as well.

On top of all this the associate health nurse is telling me to seriously consider disability.  I’ve checked into it and can’t afford doing the things it’s asking me to do.  For instance, if you make more than $1300 a month you will be denied right off the bat. With two kids in college, one at home, a wife and all my bills there is no way I can live off of $1300 a month.  I have got less than 23 months before I can retire.  I told the nurse not to mention disability again to me unless she want’s to pay my bills while I’m off making less than $1300 a month.  She didn’t much like that comment.

Regardless how I feel, I try to do something fun at least once a week.  Tomorrow I’m going to my girls college for some homecoming festivities.  Getting to the place is not the issue, it’s once I’m there having to walk the seven to eight blocks to where I can view the parade, that’s going to be the issue.  I’ll be able to spend some time with at least one of my daughters tomorrow but the other one will be busy with band stuff.  I’ll see her in passing.
I’ve also bought a drone.  It’s a Phantom 3 Advanced and so far I like it.  I’m still scared that it will fly away on me and I’ll never see it again.  It takes pretty good pictures and real good video.  I’ve already been asked to do some aerial photography of some upcoming events so at least I’ll be able to sit down while I do that.

Anyway, that’s what’s been going on lately.  Maybe I’ll get some relief for my breathing soon.  We’ll see.

Round Robin With the Doctor’s

18 Sunday Sep 2016

Posted by Tim Hughes Living with CML in Cancer, Depression, Leukemia, Photography

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Can't Breathe, Depression, Doctor Appointment, Fluid Build Up, health, Lungs

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I’m literally sitting here fighting for each breath I take.  I’ve been on the phone with three different doctors the last two weeks trying to get one of them to make a decision.  We’re all in agreement that we assume that my CML meds are causing fluid to accumulate around my lungs.  The problem I’m facing is finding a doctor willing to take responsibility and assisting me to drain the fluid.  I first contacted my oncologist thinking he would take me off my drug for a few weeks, he suggested contacting my pulmonary doctor.  My pulmonary doctor suggested for me to see my cardiologist.  I contacted my cardiologist and he suggested that I spend the weekend in the hospital.  I refused that option because my daughters were coming in for the weekend and that’s the last place I wanted to be.  So, I go see m cardiologist tomorrow at 3pm.  What the hell he’s going to do is beyond me.  The problem is not my heart it’s the fluid in my lungs.  I’m so put out right now I can’t think straight.

365 Day Photo Challenge 142/365 “A Different Sort of Memorial Day”

24 Sunday May 2015

Posted by Tim Hughes Living with CML in Photography

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Tags

365 Day Photo Challenge, Alabama, Dependant, Depression, Girls, High School, Independance, Kids, Memorial Day, Photography

I woke up to the sound of the bathroom door closing and my daughters inside getting ready for work.  Normally I try to sleep in on the weekends but the last two mornings I’ve gotten up to the sound of my girls taking showers and doing their hair.  This has been so tough on me because my baby girls are growing up on me.  What made is so bad today is that my wife had found some pictures of them yesterday when they were about four or five playing with our then kittens.

I have never been diagnosed with depression but I know I have it at times.  Today was one of those days.  I didn’t ride my bike, too windy was my excuse.  I spent the day on my computer looking at pictures of my kids when they were little.  Not really feeling sorry for myself but then again maybe.  When my girls are at home we don’t spend much time with each other because our interests are so different.  They stay in their room watching tv and I stay in the den either on my laptop or watching tv or both.

The girls are seventeen and are both working at a local water park.  I am not ready for them to be working but I’m proud of them that they want to work and earn money to spend as they wish.  My girls are smart and make great grades in school and have never given us any cause to worry.  Neither one date which is fine by me because some of the boys they hang around with would not be my first pick for a boyfriend.

As a parent I worry about each of my kids.  My son is going back to school tomorrow and I won’t see him for several months.  But I worry about them each time they get behind the wheel.  My girls are not that experienced behind the wheel and I just worry that each time they leave the house it may be the last time I see them alive.

I’m reminded of yesterday while at the ballpark all those kids that are dependant on their parents to do everything for them.  My kids are independant and I’m proud for that but I’m also reminded that it wasn’t that long ago when they did depend on us to everything for them.  I sometimes miss that.

“Life Goes On!”

365 Day Photo Challenge Day Twenty “The Straight and Narrow”

20 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by Tim Hughes Living with CML in Uncategorized

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Tags

365 Photo Challenge, anxiety, Depression, HDR, Medication, Photography

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Some may disagree with me but I think we have all chosen the path we travel.  At some point in out lives we made a decision that eventually made us into what we are today.  I made several “wrong turns” in my life that I now regret now that I have had a chance to look back.  Some of which I knew once I made the decision I would live to regret it and it would have dire consequences.

It’s how we handle these “wrong turns” in out lives that really matter.  Although I have not been diagnosed but I know I have bouts with depression and severe anxiety attacks.  I guess I should talk to my doctor about it but I really don’t need any more meds.  I try talking to my wife about some of the issues I’m having but she doesn’t understand.  She says she does but there’s really no way she could.

I know ignoring the problems isn’t healthy and I don’t really ignore them.  When ever things get tough at work I try to face the problems head on and deal with them but my question is, am I really handling the problem in the right way? Is there a different way I should be dealing with the problem.

Sorry for the rambling but it’s something that I had to get off my chest.

I Lost it Today :(

17 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by Tim Hughes Living with CML in Cancer, Depression, Leukemia

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bad Mood, Bloodwork, Blurred Vision, Cancer, Challenges, Christmas, CML, Depression, Leukemia

Today was not a good day for me.  I guess all the troubles in my life finally caught up with me.

For those just finding out about this blog, I have CML, a form of Leukemia.  I was diagnosed with it this past February.  I’ve been taking Gleevec and until last week I thought I was doing pretty good.  My BCR AbL started off at 138 and had gotten down to .134 three months ago.  My last report last week the test showed that it went up to over 2. It was a big disappointment.  I go back in six weeks.

Last week was the beginning of my trouble when my 17 yr old daughter was involved in an accident.  It seems that an 88 yr old man pulled out in front of her.  My daughter is fine with the exception of some back pain in which she is seeing a doctor about.  This was my wife’s 14 yr old van that was totaled by the insurance company.  We do not really have the funds to get another vehicle at this time especially since Christmas is just around the corner.  Just don’t know what to do at this point.

And to add to already what’s going on I’m having eye issues and I’m going to have eye surgery the first part of January.

This is the Christmas season and it’s supposed to be a happy time.  It usually is but the last few years it get’s harder and harder to get into the Christmas spirit.  With my health the way it is and not knowing what the future holds it’s easy for me to get depressed.  I’m the father of three and I’m supposed to be strong and not show emotions but I’m here to tell you that it’s difficult for me to hold it in.  Especially today.

It was while at lunch today.  We were listening to the company choir sing some Christmas songs when it hit me.  I was remembering the times when my kids were younger and times were much different.  I got to thinking just how much longer do I have?  I was doing ok until the choir started singing a song that I haven’t heard since my childhood and that’s when I started to loose it.  Not wanting to show my emotions in public I had to get up and leave the table.  It took be several hours to get my act together.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

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