Category Archives: Depression

Holiday Doldrums

17 Wednesday Dec 2025

Posted by in Depression, Family, Pets

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Christmas is a little over a week away and as usual I’m struggling to get everything bought. This year I’ve decided to make several of my gives to my friends and family. I may end up being that person that no one wants a gift from next year but it is what it is. I made my wife and kids Christmas ornaments honoring my cat that just recently passed. I’m really hoping that everyone likes them.

My wife and I are still dealing with the loss. We’ve also noticed that our other cat, Sophie, has started acting differently. I think it’s her way of dealing with his absence and the solitude she experiences when we’re not here. We’ve talked and I’d like to go ahead and get another little kitten but we’re not sure how Sophie will respond. She “tolerated” Clyde and was not really the best of friends but they got along for the most part. I think my wife will eventually agree but it will take some time for her to come around.

This will be Clyde’s marker for his resting place. I’ve been real busy and haven’t took the time time to get the marker done. If the truth is known, every time I sat down to work on it I got upset and couldn’t bare to think about it. There is currently a little wooden cross that my wife placed there until I could get this made. Once I have the marker in place I think this will be the closure that I will need. I will place the marker tomorrow after I get home from my oncologist appointment tomorrow afternoon. Maybe the rains will have moved out by then.

I’m sure I’ll post again but in case I don’t, I hope everyone has a happy holiday and a Merry Christmas.

Time Doesn’t Stand Still

22 Wednesday Oct 2025

Posted by in Cancer, Depression, Family, Leukemia

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The older I get, the more I realize that time doesn’t stand still. It seems like almost every week I hear about someone I used to go to school with or work with who has passed away. Just the thought of it can be depressing.

This past Saturday, I did a craft fair and happened to run into one of my high school classmates and her sister. We had a chance to catch up for a bit, and somehow the conversation turned to the classmates we’ve already lost. Sadly, cancer seems to have claimed most of them.

I’m 62 now — older than many of my classmates since I was held back a year — and although my health hasn’t always been the best, I count myself lucky to still be here.

Most of my classmates already have great-grandkids. Me? None of my three kids are married yet, so I’m not even a grandparent. Only one of the three is dating anyone right now, and I’m not sure when or if the other two will. That’s okay, though. I don’t ever want them to feel pressured. Still, before I go, I’d love to see all my kids married and maybe even get the chance to hold a grandbaby or two.

My parents, who are both in their mid to upper eighties, would love to see great-grandkids too. I have to remind my mom not to put pressure on my kids — she has a way of speaking her mind about things like that.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a form of leukemia called CML. Right now, it’s under control. Sometimes one of the markers the doctors watch goes a little wild and sends everyone into a panic, but eventually, the numbers settle back down, and all is well again. I’ve come to accept that nothing I do can change the fact that I have CML. All I can do is take my daily pill, stay consistent, and be thankful that the medicine is working. Worrying won’t change the outcome.

Are you the worrying type? What’s the main thing that weighs on your mind — your kids, your health, your future, or something else? I get my worrying honestly; my grandmother on my mom’s side was a worrier, and my mom’s the same way. I guess it just runs in the family.

There’s Always Something

29 Monday Jun 2020

Posted by in Depression, Family, Retirement, Twins

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I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything but I’ve been doing other things and I haven’t taken the time to post.  To be honest I’ve been rather depressed as of late.  The fact that I’m not working anywhere and not able to keep my mind off of things makes it difficult to not get depressed.

Both my daughters graduated in May and here it is the end of June and neither one has any job offers on the table.  One of my daughters has a teaching degree and has had a couple of interviews but no one wants to hire her.  The other has some sort of advertising degree and she’s got several applications in but hasn’t had any interviews yet.  They have six months to get a job to start paying their loans back.  My son went through the same thing and we were prepared to help him with paying back his loans but as luck would have it, he got a job right at the end.  Now we have two that we’d have to help and right now there is no way we can help.  We just can’t afford it.  I guess, if worse comes to worst, we could get some kind of load to help but I don’t want to get back in debt again.

The sight of my daughter getting so excited to get an interview and then wait for a phone call that never comes is more that I can handle.  She says she’s alright but I know just how disappointed she is and I’m disappointed for her.  What makes this thing a little worse is that she does have a part-time job working at the YMCA.  The thing is that they’ve hired too many people and now only works every other week so she’s not making the money she was promised. At least my other daughter is working, at least until the end of July until she has to move out of her apartment and then she will be out of a job.

I guess it’s all part of parenting. There’s a lot more I’d rather do as a parent than to watch them struggle.  My son, who I was worried about when he graduated, now has a job making nearly twice as much as I did when I worked thirty-two years and he’s only worked for about four.  Go figure.  Maybe my girls will end up doing the same thing.  I pray they will.

 

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Update 2/19/17

19 Sunday Feb 2017

Posted by in Cancer, Cycling, Depression, Family, Leukemia, Twins

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My health has steadily improved over the past several months with the exception of a sciatic nerve pain issue in my right hip.  I’ve been dealing with it since right before Christmas.  It has gotten better but I did end up getting a pain block this past Friday.  Not sure if it worked or not.

A couple of nights before Christmas, one of my daughters and I had a fallen  out.  Because of my health there were some changes made with my job.  One of which was a huge pay cut.  This daughter of mine loves to go out and shop when ever she’s home.  I’ve tried talking to her about my job status but it still didn’t matter.  I cut lose on her, which I now regret.  I left the house upset, jumped into my truck and didn’t make it far before I parked into a parking lot and lost it.  I guess it had been building up for a long time and I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.  I’m doing better now I guess.  I haven’t had an episode like that since but I do miss my girls tremendously when they’re away at school.

Got plans to start riding my bicycle next week.  Found a couple of small groups that don’t go too far and are easy rides.  I think I’ll do better riding with someone else verses riding by myself at least till my health really improves.

That’s it for now.

 

 

Trying to Stay Up!

01 Saturday Oct 2016

Posted by in Cancer, Depression, Leukemia, Photography, Weight Loss

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Pleasant Grove High School

This blog was supposed to be able to help others that are going through the same stuff I am such as CML, Diabetes and being over weight, deal with life’s up’s and downs.  However, all I seem to be doing is bringing myself down.  How can I be helping others if I can’t seem to help myself.  I keep telling myself that once I get my health back on track I’ll be able to use  this experience to help others if and when they go through something similar.

First things first.  I’m still dealing with my labored breathing.  I think the last time I posted that I was going to see my cardiologist.  Well I did and he scheduled a echo cardiogram of my heart.  Really!  The problem is not my heart but fluid retention in  my lungs.  Anyway, had the test done and after a few days I got a call stating that all was fine.  Then he scheduled a CT scan of my lungs this past Thursday, nothing heard as of yet.  I have an appointment with my GP on Tuesday and my pulmonary on Wednesday.  Keep in mind that every time I have to take off to go to the doctor I have to work over to make up for the time lost.  I’m so sick and tired of having to stay late it’s about to drive me nuts.  Of course, that’s another story.

In the mean time…my employer is stressing me out.  I’m not exactly sure what I’ve posted about this but my boss has noticed some memory problems going on with me.  I, of course have denied all of it but it turns out that I am having some memory issues.  They’ve run a bunch of tests including some neurological tests that are not covered by my insurance company.  I’ll be paying for these tests for years to come.  But it seems that I’m having some short term memory loss.  The neuro psychologist  has even diagnosed me with amnesia.  Seriously??  Now my employer is wanting to demote me to a lower pay grade because I can’t do my previous job because of some safety issues.  If it wasn’t for the money issues I wouldn’t mind doing the job I’m doing now because it’s a whole lot less stressful.  As of yet the doctors have not determined why I’m having these memory issues.  They’ve done a MRI of my head and of course they didn’t find anything up there. (Pun) and they’ve pretty much ruled out my medications as well.

On top of all this the associate health nurse is telling me to seriously consider disability.  I’ve checked into it and can’t afford doing the things it’s asking me to do.  For instance, if you make more than $1300 a month you will be denied right off the bat. With two kids in college, one at home, a wife and all my bills there is no way I can live off of $1300 a month.  I have got less than 23 months before I can retire.  I told the nurse not to mention disability again to me unless she want’s to pay my bills while I’m off making less than $1300 a month.  She didn’t much like that comment.

Regardless how I feel, I try to do something fun at least once a week.  Tomorrow I’m going to my girls college for some homecoming festivities.  Getting to the place is not the issue, it’s once I’m there having to walk the seven to eight blocks to where I can view the parade, that’s going to be the issue.  I’ll be able to spend some time with at least one of my daughters tomorrow but the other one will be busy with band stuff.  I’ll see her in passing.
I’ve also bought a drone.  It’s a Phantom 3 Advanced and so far I like it.  I’m still scared that it will fly away on me and I’ll never see it again.  It takes pretty good pictures and real good video.  I’ve already been asked to do some aerial photography of some upcoming events so at least I’ll be able to sit down while I do that.

Anyway, that’s what’s been going on lately.  Maybe I’ll get some relief for my breathing soon.  We’ll see.

Round Robin With the Doctor’s

18 Sunday Sep 2016

Posted by in Cancer, Depression, Leukemia, Photography

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I’m literally sitting here fighting for each breath I take.  I’ve been on the phone with three different doctors the last two weeks trying to get one of them to make a decision.  We’re all in agreement that we assume that my CML meds are causing fluid to accumulate around my lungs.  The problem I’m facing is finding a doctor willing to take responsibility and assisting me to drain the fluid.  I first contacted my oncologist thinking he would take me off my drug for a few weeks, he suggested contacting my pulmonary doctor.  My pulmonary doctor suggested for me to see my cardiologist.  I contacted my cardiologist and he suggested that I spend the weekend in the hospital.  I refused that option because my daughters were coming in for the weekend and that’s the last place I wanted to be.  So, I go see m cardiologist tomorrow at 3pm.  What the hell he’s going to do is beyond me.  The problem is not my heart it’s the fluid in my lungs.  I’m so put out right now I can’t think straight.

Negativity Gets You Nowhere!

26 Sunday Jun 2016

Posted by in Cancer, Depression, Photography

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I’ve been down on myself the last few weeks. I thought being on vacation would snap me out of it but the whole time I was gone I kept thinking of the time lost that I would have when I returned back to work.  The exciting news that I got from my doctor while I was away seemed to have helped but now that I have my doubts about the results I just can’t help but feel down again.

The heat has a lot to do with it I feel because I wanted to do something with my kids today being that they were home and not working but everytime I went outside I was just drained from the heat and humidity.  Plus, with all this humidity, it makes it difficult for me to breath.  The next two days the rain chances has increased to 70% so maybe after the storms roll in here at least it will cool things off a bit.

This coming Thursday, June 29th, I will have been married for 25 years.  I have already made reservations for Saturday at a place called Perry’s Steakhouse.  It’s a bit pricey but my wife is worth it.  Putting up with me and all my ailments; she deserves more than a pricey steak and a night on the town.  She’s going to flip when she sees the prices on the menu though. But maybe the flowers that I have ordered that will be sitting on the table when we arrive will take away some of the shock.  We don’t usually go out on the town like this.  It’s usually places like Logan’s steakhouse where you pay $12 to $15 for a steak or go to Cracker Barrel.  Those places are more to our taste.  If I get out of Perry’s for less than $200 I’ll be lucky.

July 4th is coming up in a week and I have that day off which means a three day weekend.  If I can just make it through this week.  So you see, I have a couple of things to look forward too.  With this in mind maybe I can get out of this slump that I’m in and I can have a brighter outlook.  It’s going to take me some time for me to build up more vacation time but at least my doctor’s appointments are down to a minimum right now.  That’s another thing that has me upset is the fact that right now if I have a family emergency I can’t do anything about it.  I can’t take off right now if I had too.  Tomorrow, if I’m not wrong, I should have 10 hours built up.  That’s not much but it’s a start.

I hope everyone has a great week ahead.

 

 

I Lost it Today :(

17 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by in Cancer, Depression, Leukemia

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Today was not a good day for me.  I guess all the troubles in my life finally caught up with me.

For those just finding out about this blog, I have CML, a form of Leukemia.  I was diagnosed with it this past February.  I’ve been taking Gleevec and until last week I thought I was doing pretty good.  My BCR AbL started off at 138 and had gotten down to .134 three months ago.  My last report last week the test showed that it went up to over 2. It was a big disappointment.  I go back in six weeks.

Last week was the beginning of my trouble when my 17 yr old daughter was involved in an accident.  It seems that an 88 yr old man pulled out in front of her.  My daughter is fine with the exception of some back pain in which she is seeing a doctor about.  This was my wife’s 14 yr old van that was totaled by the insurance company.  We do not really have the funds to get another vehicle at this time especially since Christmas is just around the corner.  Just don’t know what to do at this point.

And to add to already what’s going on I’m having eye issues and I’m going to have eye surgery the first part of January.

This is the Christmas season and it’s supposed to be a happy time.  It usually is but the last few years it get’s harder and harder to get into the Christmas spirit.  With my health the way it is and not knowing what the future holds it’s easy for me to get depressed.  I’m the father of three and I’m supposed to be strong and not show emotions but I’m here to tell you that it’s difficult for me to hold it in.  Especially today.

It was while at lunch today.  We were listening to the company choir sing some Christmas songs when it hit me.  I was remembering the times when my kids were younger and times were much different.  I got to thinking just how much longer do I have?  I was doing ok until the choir started singing a song that I haven’t heard since my childhood and that’s when I started to loose it.  Not wanting to show my emotions in public I had to get up and leave the table.  It took be several hours to get my act together.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.