Christmas is a little over a week away and as usual I’m struggling to get everything bought. This year I’ve decided to make several of my gives to my friends and family. I may end up being that person that no one wants a gift from next year but it is what it is. I made my wife and kids Christmas ornaments honoring my cat that just recently passed. I’m really hoping that everyone likes them.
My wife and I are still dealing with the loss. We’ve also noticed that our other cat, Sophie, has started acting differently. I think it’s her way of dealing with his absence and the solitude she experiences when we’re not here. We’ve talked and I’d like to go ahead and get another little kitten but we’re not sure how Sophie will respond. She “tolerated” Clyde and was not really the best of friends but they got along for the most part. I think my wife will eventually agree but it will take some time for her to come around.
This will be Clyde’s marker for his resting place. I’ve been real busy and haven’t took the time time to get the marker done. If the truth is known, every time I sat down to work on it I got upset and couldn’t bare to think about it. There is currently a little wooden cross that my wife placed there until I could get this made. Once I have the marker in place I think this will be the closure that I will need. I will place the marker tomorrow after I get home from my oncologist appointment tomorrow afternoon. Maybe the rains will have moved out by then.
I’m sure I’ll post again but in case I don’t, I hope everyone has a happy holiday and a Merry Christmas.
This has got to be one of the hardest posts I’ve ever had to write. Around 3:30 p.m. today, my buddy Clyde crossed the rainbow bridge.
The day began with the first sign that something wasn’t right. Every morning for as long as I can remember, Clyde would wait for me to get out of the shower. That was his way of letting me know he wanted to be picked up and placed on the bathroom sink so he could drink from the faucet—his little daily ritual. But this morning, he didn’t come.
Instead, I found him lying on the kitchen floor next to the air vent, his head down. When I reached down to rub his head, he didn’t give his usual loud purr. That told me more than anything that he just wasn’t feeling good. My wife mentioned that he’d eaten a little, but nowhere near his usual amount.
I had a craft fair to prepare for and some coasters I needed to get printed. Between the power going out mid-print and the rush to get everything finished, I didn’t get the chance to check on Clyde again before leaving. But once I arrived at the fair, I called home. My wife told me he had eaten a bit more and was lying at the end of our bed, where he always slept. Still, something in the back of my mind whispered that we might be nearing the end. I told my wife she should let our daughters know so they could come spend some time with him.
They did. And after helping me load up my things when the fair ended around 2 p.m., they headed home but didn’t stay long.
Around 3 p.m., my wife was watching the Alabama game from our bedroom. Clyde was asleep at the foot of the bed. He woke up, stood, and looked like he wanted to go somewhere but wasn’t quite sure how. He took a couple of steps toward the edge of the bed—and then fell over.
My wife picked him up and placed him gently on the floor, but by then, he was already gone. It happened so quickly. She ran to get me, but the moment I saw him, I knew his precious spirit had already left.
We called the kids and, while they drove back, I went to the backyard to prepare his resting place. When the girls arrived, they spent nearly an hour with him—crying, talking to him, soaking up one last moment with their lifelong friend. Then we placed him in a box with his favorite towel, his favorite toy, and one of his favorite snacks (that one was my daughter’s idea).
Clyde now rests behind the shed, and we plan to place a marker after we get home from church tomorrow.
If he had made it to January, he would have been 21 years old. These last few years were challenging for him—and for us. He was on medication twice a day and had completely lost control of his bowel movements. Our bed was lined with tarps and towels so he could sleep comfortably during the day, and we had to rearrange everything at night so the wife and I could still sleep without worrying. He loved sleeping between us, so we created a little system of towels to protect him—and us—from the inevitable accidents.
It wasn’t easy. But we did it for him. He depended on us, and we loved him.
Because of his declining health, my wife and I haven’t taken a vacation in more than five years. It didn’t feel right to ask anyone else to manage his care. Boarding him was completely out of the question. With his heart condition, the stress alone would have been too much.
Now, with his passing, a huge hole has been created in our lives. The routines, the sounds, the small rituals—all suddenly gone. It’s going to take time to heal, but we’ll get there.
What I know for sure is this: Clyde was loved deeply. And he gave us more love in return than we could ever measure.
If you’ve known me for more than five minutes, you know I live by my calendar. It’s not just a planner — it’s my Bible, my life map, and my emotional support spreadsheet. I color-code, I plan ahead, and if something’s not on the schedule, it’s basically not real.
So imagine my stress level when my mom landed in the hospital and my siblings decided we all need to “take turns sitting with her.”
Now, before anyone clutches their pearls — she’s fine. She’s getting great care from an entire team of professionals who actually know what they’re doing. The woman is being treated better than most people at a five-star resort.
Meanwhile, my siblings and I are out here acting like we need to take shifts in case she suddenly decides to join the Hospital Olympics. Spoiler alert: she’s not going anywhere.
The thing is, I’ve got a craft fair coming up next weekend, and that means I need to be creating — not sitting in a hospital room pretending to enjoy watching nine hours of nonstop news coverage. Nine. Hours. I don’t even like watching nine minutes of the news. I can only listen to so many “breaking” stories about things that broke three days ago before I start questioning my life choices.
But there I sit, smiling, nodding, pretending I’m not slowly dying inside while she argues with the TV. I could be home making candles, painting signs, or doing literally anything that doesn’t involve election updates.
And when I say, “Hey, my schedule’s packed,” my siblings look at me like I just said I’m skipping Christmas. Listen, I love Mom. I’ll visit. I’ll call. I’ll even bring snacks. But she’s being well cared for — by actual trained professionals — while I’m over here trying to figure out if I can make fifty more gnomes before Friday.
So no, I’m not heartless. I’m just scheduled. And if loving my mom and respecting my calendar at the same time is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
The older I get, the more I realize that time doesn’t stand still. It seems like almost every week I hear about someone I used to go to school with or work with who has passed away. Just the thought of it can be depressing.
This past Saturday, I did a craft fair and happened to run into one of my high school classmates and her sister. We had a chance to catch up for a bit, and somehow the conversation turned to the classmates we’ve already lost. Sadly, cancer seems to have claimed most of them.
I’m 62 now — older than many of my classmates since I was held back a year — and although my health hasn’t always been the best, I count myself lucky to still be here.
Most of my classmates already have great-grandkids. Me? None of my three kids are married yet, so I’m not even a grandparent. Only one of the three is dating anyone right now, and I’m not sure when or if the other two will. That’s okay, though. I don’t ever want them to feel pressured. Still, before I go, I’d love to see all my kids married and maybe even get the chance to hold a grandbaby or two.
My parents, who are both in their mid to upper eighties, would love to see great-grandkids too. I have to remind my mom not to put pressure on my kids — she has a way of speaking her mind about things like that.
As I’ve mentioned before, I have a form of leukemia called CML. Right now, it’s under control. Sometimes one of the markers the doctors watch goes a little wild and sends everyone into a panic, but eventually, the numbers settle back down, and all is well again. I’ve come to accept that nothing I do can change the fact that I have CML. All I can do is take my daily pill, stay consistent, and be thankful that the medicine is working. Worrying won’t change the outcome.
Are you the worrying type? What’s the main thing that weighs on your mind — your kids, your health, your future, or something else? I get my worrying honestly; my grandmother on my mom’s side was a worrier, and my mom’s the same way. I guess it just runs in the family.
I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving and spent some time with their families. I spent the majority of my day with my family. My mom and dad are in their mid-eighties and don’t get around as much as they used to. Today is one of the few days that I allow myself not to be too concerned with what and how much I eat. Christmas is another holiday that I do this. The rest of the year is spent watching how much carbs I consume. Tomorrow is a new day and I’ll get back on my diet then.
I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything but I’ve been doing other things and I haven’t taken the time to post. To be honest I’ve been rather depressed as of late. The fact that I’m not working anywhere and not able to keep my mind off of things makes it difficult to not get depressed.
Both my daughters graduated in May and here it is the end of June and neither one has any job offers on the table. One of my daughters has a teaching degree and has had a couple of interviews but no one wants to hire her. The other has some sort of advertising degree and she’s got several applications in but hasn’t had any interviews yet. They have six months to get a job to start paying their loans back. My son went through the same thing and we were prepared to help him with paying back his loans but as luck would have it, he got a job right at the end. Now we have two that we’d have to help and right now there is no way we can help. We just can’t afford it. I guess, if worse comes to worst, we could get some kind of load to help but I don’t want to get back in debt again.
The sight of my daughter getting so excited to get an interview and then wait for a phone call that never comes is more that I can handle. She says she’s alright but I know just how disappointed she is and I’m disappointed for her. What makes this thing a little worse is that she does have a part-time job working at the YMCA. The thing is that they’ve hired too many people and now only works every other week so she’s not making the money she was promised. At least my other daughter is working, at least until the end of July until she has to move out of her apartment and then she will be out of a job.
I guess it’s all part of parenting. There’s a lot more I’d rather do as a parent than to watch them struggle. My son, who I was worried about when he graduated, now has a job making nearly twice as much as I did when I worked thirty-two years and he’s only worked for about four. Go figure. Maybe my girls will end up doing the same thing. I pray they will.
A shelf I built for the kitchen but ended up in the garage
Life has been so stressful lately and I guess I eat more when I’m stressed. I thought when I retired my life would be less stressful but lately, it hasn’t been the case. I’ve tried to stay on my diet but that hasn’t worked out so well. The good news is that I’m back on it and I’ve already lost six pounds. I’ve set mini goals and I’m about four pounds before I reach my first ten-pound mini-goal. My twin daughters will be graduating from college in May. They want to go on a cruise in June so this has given me an incentive to lose about twenty pounds before the trip. I really hope I can do it.
As I’ve stated last time I wrote, I had applied for Social Security disability. I had my hearing and I got a favorable decision. I’m still waiting on my backpay as well as my first check. This whole process has me concerned somewhat. I’m not surer If I can explain it or not but it makes me feel inferior or worthless. I’ve worked all my life and over thirty-two years at my last job, not they’re telling me that I can’t work. I feel like I can do something but I’ve got to be honest with myself, I do have trouble breathing when I do anything. No one will hire me at my age with all the issues that I have. So I guess I’ll just have to get over it.
The last two days have been dry and I’m glad it has because the few days before that it rained at least four inches in less than two days. The next four days we’re supposed to get at between six and seven more inches. There will be a lot of flooding and trees down. Let’s hope that the severe weather that is projected for Wednesday is not too bad.
Tomorrow will be a hard day for me. One of my friends worked for Kimberly Police department and was shot and killed the other day while on duty. He will be buried tomorrow. If you’re a praying person please pray for Nick O’Rear’s family.
As a child I used to love to ride roller-coasters. I would ride for hours just to ride different coasters. As I got older I out grew my fascination with coasters because my stomach couldn’t handle going upside down and being bounced around as much. I guess riding a coaster is the best way to describe living with CML. It is for me at least.
The last few months have been just that, a roller coaster. Since I was diagnosed in February of 2014, I’ve been on three different medications. I had to change because either the medicine quit working or it caused fluid around my heart and lungs. In January of 2016 I had both type A and type B flu as well as pneumonia along with fluid around both of my lungs. I was admitted into the hospital where they did all sorts of tests. They eventually removed just over two liters of fluid around my right lung. There was at least that much or more in my left lung but they would not remove it due to risk of infection. It was during this time they took me off the medicine that they thought was creating the fluid.
In March of 2016 I was placed on a different drug and up until August of this year, I haven’t had any side effects of the drug. But, unfortunately due to becoming severely anemic, and after having several tests done, they found that I had a bleeding ulcer. Oh, but it gets worse. The medicine for the ulcer reduces the effectiveness of the CML drug. We were told that it didn’t but it did. During the first several months after taking the ulcer meds, my CML numbers started increasing. After several months of this my oncologist decided that he had done all he could for me and that he was referring me to a bone marrow transplant team. These were to be the darkest days of my life.
About the same time I was diagnosed, another young lady in my community was diagnosed with CML. She didn’t like the side effects the drug was causing so she stopped taking the drug. Her CML escalated and she had to have a bone marrow transplant. I followed her on Facebook through her whole ordeal. She was in the hospital for six long weeks having this procedure. I remembered her ordeal when I was told that I would be having the same thing.
The doctor that I was sent to was not on the transplant team. The hospital he is associated with is one of the best cancer research centers in the US but the doctor had a lot of growing up to do. He was fresh out of college. In fact, I have a son that is not much older that he is. My other oncologist has over thirty years of experience but like I said, this doctor is fresh out of college and from another country to boot. Nothing wrong with that though. What this doctor had in knowledge, he lacked in experience. I saw this doctor about 4 times and it was enough to know that there wasn’t going to be a 5th. He did have a couple of suggestions that I did get out of our visits. He stated that I was not a good candidate for a bone marrow transplant and that I was probably taking way too much medicine. He also mentioned that I was supposed to be taking my cancer meds with food, which at that time I wasn’t.
So, as of today, I’m back with my previous oncologist, my numbers are back where they need to be and most everything is where it needs to be. I am working on getting disability. I have a hearing in January. I’ve had to get a handicap place-card because of gout in my right foot.
So, as you see, my life has been somewhat of a roller coaster. It’s been up, then down then on the up side again. I’ve been reading books and trying to listen to some easy jazz music just to help me relax a bit.
Let me introduce you to a friend of mine. Her name is Tiffany. She is currently in her third year of remission. The above picture is the day she was admitted into the hospital for a month long round of treatment for CML.
Her story is a little different than mine. She claimed that she had trouble taking her meds. She had terrible reactions when she took her meds and therefore quit taking them. Her CML advanced into something else and her doctors had to take more radical steps in treating her. She was only treated for about a year with oral meds before she had her bmt. Her Instagram account is full of pictures where she shows tubes running out of her nose and later being put in her chest. These are pictures that I look at and put concern in my heart.
I’ve been put in the hospital before for different reasons but only for a short time. I think the most I’ve ever stayed in a hospital is five days. I can tell you that I like to have went out of my mind after staying in the hospital that long. One thing that I know will be different, after about the third day, I felt pretty good. Good enough to go home. I doubt very seriously that after three or four days I’ll feel like going home.
There is still a lot that I don’t know about having a bmt. I do know that before anything happens a donor will have to be found. That could take a while even though I do have three siblings that could be a match. I also found out that I could be having some kidney trouble. This too could also slow things down I suppose. I have an appointment with the kidney doctor next week.
I’m a person of worry. I worry about everything. The main worry I have right now is that once treatment starts I won’t be able to leave the hospital. That means that all my family better stay safe. I can’t be leaving the hospital to go to no funerals. Things that get broken will have to stay broken until such time as I feel like repairing them or I can get someone there to repair it. I may get someone that I used to work with to check on my wife from time to time to make sure nothing needs repaired.
It’s been since September since I’ve posted anything so I figured I’d do a little update on what’s been going on. First of all, I went to the dentist today and had some work done and I had to take a prescription pain pill to take care of the pain that I was in. So, if this doesn’t make sense, that’s why. As stated in my last post, I’ve retired. I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am about that. I get updates from one of my co-workers every once in a while and let me tell you when I get off the phone with him, it makes me so happy to think that I no longer work at that place. The management at that place has taken a turn for the worse and it seems that I left just at the right time. The stress that I felt while I was there is no more. That within itself is worth retiring over.
So, what is my plan since retiring? I’ve got several irons in the fire, none of which requires getting up and going to a regular job. I was blessed with an excellent pension and my 401k didn’t look bad at all either. I made an appointment before retiring with a financial planner and he told me that I had nothing to worry about. In fact, I got a little raise since retiring so I think we’re going to do just fine.
On most occasions, I get up with my wife when she gets up to get ready to go to work. I usually sit and talk with her while she’s eating breakfast. After she leaves, I usually take a shower and go to the garage and work on some woodworking projects. I take care of the laundry and try to have dinner cooking when my wife gets home from work.
Other things such as setting up my camera so that it can take pictures of the bird feeder have been another little project that I’ve been working on. It’s the simple things in life that make it interesting. My cats and I enjoy watching the birds in the morning while we’re sitting in the kitchen spending time with the wife while she’s eating breakfast.
On another note and this will be the last of this update for now. My cancer numbers are starting to look pretty good but on the other side of that coin, my iron levels have started to plummet. I’ve had to do two iron transfusions and had to have a colonoscopy and an endoscopy to find out where I’m bleeding out. Ulcers, I’ve got two bleeding ulcers. Another pill to add to my pharmacy list.
Thanks for taking the time to read and I’ll post again soon.
Grayfeathersblog 