Monthly Archives: December 2014

Zuzu’s Petals

20 Saturday Dec 2014

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I really needed this today. Maybe someone else does as well.

Beautiful Life with Cancer

Desperate Jimmy Stewart runs down the bridge, I grasp my heart, he has my complete attention. It is coming, my favorite part of the movie, so much emotion. He cries out to God, “I want to live again!” The snow begins to fall and he finds Zuzu’s petals in his pocket. I love the scene so much that my heart swells. It is ok that his bills aren’t paid. It doesn’t matter that he is headed to jail. He doesn’t care anymore that his dreams never came true, he never traveled the world, and he never became a millionaire. He has his life back. He has his wife, his children. He has his God.

Just a few more days until Christmas. It is coming as quickly as the movie playing and my favorite scene approaching. In the blink of an eye, I will be holding my heart and fighting back…

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I Lost it Today :(

17 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by in Cancer, Depression, Leukemia

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Today was not a good day for me.  I guess all the troubles in my life finally caught up with me.

For those just finding out about this blog, I have CML, a form of Leukemia.  I was diagnosed with it this past February.  I’ve been taking Gleevec and until last week I thought I was doing pretty good.  My BCR AbL started off at 138 and had gotten down to .134 three months ago.  My last report last week the test showed that it went up to over 2. It was a big disappointment.  I go back in six weeks.

Last week was the beginning of my trouble when my 17 yr old daughter was involved in an accident.  It seems that an 88 yr old man pulled out in front of her.  My daughter is fine with the exception of some back pain in which she is seeing a doctor about.  This was my wife’s 14 yr old van that was totaled by the insurance company.  We do not really have the funds to get another vehicle at this time especially since Christmas is just around the corner.  Just don’t know what to do at this point.

And to add to already what’s going on I’m having eye issues and I’m going to have eye surgery the first part of January.

This is the Christmas season and it’s supposed to be a happy time.  It usually is but the last few years it get’s harder and harder to get into the Christmas spirit.  With my health the way it is and not knowing what the future holds it’s easy for me to get depressed.  I’m the father of three and I’m supposed to be strong and not show emotions but I’m here to tell you that it’s difficult for me to hold it in.  Especially today.

It was while at lunch today.  We were listening to the company choir sing some Christmas songs when it hit me.  I was remembering the times when my kids were younger and times were much different.  I got to thinking just how much longer do I have?  I was doing ok until the choir started singing a song that I haven’t heard since my childhood and that’s when I started to loose it.  Not wanting to show my emotions in public I had to get up and leave the table.  It took be several hours to get my act together.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.