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Hello, my name is Clyde.  I’m a thirteen-year-old gray tabby.  I weigh approx. thirteen pounds and I stay grumpy most, if not all of the time.  I have a five-year-old step-sister whom I despise and do not get along with.  I had a natural born sister but she died when I was about six years old.  I didn’t like her much either because she never let me do what I wanted to do.  She never let me talk and therefore made me depressed and I never purred.

I have two well-behaved humans.  The female human is my go-to human.  She is the one I get up in the mornings when I want to eat.  I’m very dominate when it comes to food and therefore there is no sleep in days.  She thinks that I don’t know when she’s awake and I get very pissed when she doesn’t get up right away.  Sometimes so, that I pee on her special places.  I believe she calls this “gifting”.

The male human is more accommodating. When he gets up and goes to the bathroom, I go in with him just to stand guard.  You never know when the female human will come in and cause problems.  He likes to pet me more than the female human.  I sometimes like to get in a good petting but he needs to learn when enough is enough. I claw at him and sometimes I draw blood but he never learns

I do not, under any circumstances, like to be picked up, sit in anybody’s lap, strangers, loud noises or called fat.  I’m big boned, not fat.  I also do not like to take trips in the car, especially to the vet.  This is when I “gift” more.  I surprise myself as to the amount of pee I have in my bladder. I pee on the nurse, the vet, my female human, and the human’s bed when I return home.  You’d think they’d learn not to take me to the vet but they haven’t yet.

I am Alpha.  There is no one better or more important than me.  If you don’t believe me, just ask me.  There is nothing that goes on in my domicile that I don’t know about.  Most importantly, if you piss me off, I will gift on something of yours.  You may not know about it for weeks and when you do find out, the smell will be most alarming.

It takes a special human to put up with my personality.